lets see

So I go to court and the cop that had arrested me died in a tragic accident a few weeks before. So since he won't be able to testify they offer me a plea bargain. They'll drop the charge from a felony to a misdemeanor. So I get 1 year probation, and have to pay a $500 fine, court costs, and attorney fees as well as do 80 hours of community service. Lucky me right. I just reread over all my postings and there a bunch of stories I want to post but I just hope that I can't be prosecuted for them.

Other than that just started working again finally. After being turned down for about 30 jobs finally got me one. Not that I'm to pleased with it but ah well.

Other than that I just can't wait to have enough money saved up to go visit a friend of mine in San Antonio. I really miss her.

partnership for a drug free america

I have a two complaints about this partnership. 1-All they do is advertising campaigns. They make sure people get information about drugs. woohoo there are a million other sources for this information. 2- There is nothing on their website saying they actually help in treatment centers in any way. Why not make a drug free america by helping those who are unable to reach or afford a treatment center get the help they need.

war on drugs

Due to some of my research the past few days I have come to some conclusions.

One.
The use of methamphetamines is on the rise. I get this conclusion from the increase in the amount of labs in the past years, even though all the numbers people have is a few years old. One is that federal and state prisoners reported use was somewhat higher as seen in this report. Which data is a little bit old but it shows the increase. It also shows some other things which I'll get to later.
Everyone thinks that due to the new law on the sale of pseudophedrine and ephedrine containing substances is now limited and monitored, that this slows down the production of amphetamines. Well it does, but it does not hinder the production of meth. Especially methamphetamine hydrochloride, also known as 'ice'. This speculation goes against the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration but I really don't know how they get their numbers, so I really don't take their numbers into account. For if they do surveys how do they pick who to survey? And who would really answer truthfully on the matter of doing illegal drugs?

Two.
There are cheaper ways to fight the war on drugs then through interdiction efforts, and trying to destroy them at their source. As this list of facts shows in relation to cocaine. The second item states that at least 75% of all shipments must be intercepted in order to make the trafficking of cocaine non-profitable. And seeing as how there still seems to be enough cocaine to go around I do not think that is happening. Even better yet is the sixteenth item on the list which states that instead of trying to eradicate it at the source, which would cost 783 million. The US could spend 34 million on treatment centers and eradicate the demand for the drugs. Which is an interesting item I'll come back to in my next point. Now these numbers only refer to cocaine, however I feel the principle is valid for all drugs that we are attempting to stop from entering our country. And that idea is the idea of spending money to provide treatment to people so that they won't want the drugs instead of spending all our money trying to eradicate the drug itself and failing miserably. Here is the current cost. What better way to have spent that money then wasting it away. When you could lower the demand for drugs at a much lower cost.

Three.
In my previous point I made the point that it was cheaper to set up treatment centers then try to fight the war on drugs the way it has been going. But it would be cheaper and probably to the betterment of our society if treatment centers were used in another way. According to this same report as earlier, around half of the prisoners in State and Federal lockup in 2004 met the criteria for substance dependence. And around 50% State prisoners had at least three prior sentences. And in fact nearly half of them were on payrole or probation when they got arrested.
What this says to me is that they were addicted to whatever, and so therefor kept doing the things that got them in trouble. That report states that around 45% took part in drug classes. But what if they were sentenced to a thirty day facility for their first drug charge? I don't know if it would work, and thats why I'm only saying for the first charge, after that they can go to jail like everyone else. But wouldn't that be cheaper in the long run if it did work for say only 50%. That would mean 50% less people to have to pay for their stay in jail or prison.

So there are my conclusions, if anyone even reads this leave a comment.

i just hope

I just hope the day comes soon when I look back on all this and laugh. I am really tired of the way these things keep going. And theres not a fucking thing I can do to change it.

haha

Well I'm just happy Paris got sent back to jail. I mean fuck what did she expect. I knew when I got arrested that I had broken the law and was on my way to jail. Why should she get special treatment. Honestly its not like county jail is that bad, and jail is where she is going not prison like some of the news people have said, her sentence isn't long enough for her to get transferred to a prison. So I hope she enjoys her stay.

Global Warming

The NASA chief gets in trouble which I think is ridiculous, he says it himself, the debate has become more political than technical. And at the very end of the article it talks of climate scientists claiming he's ignorant, but I know for a fact that not all the scientists agree with the theory that is global warming. They don't mention what they have to say. The media happens to be biased in the fact that it only reports stories and opinions in favor of global warming when there are large amounts of scientists that just plain don't agree. I think its a bunch of crap that both sides are not being viewed in the media. Of course I also get my views from a Michael Crichton novel, or however you spell his name.

two things

the new gta




star wars, gotta love it

paris fucking hilton

Every direction you turn its Paris Hilton did this, or she did that, and omg shes going to jail. She is only famous for being famous and the news community continues her fame by broadcasting every little thing that she does. This recent story is enough to make me sick. It wasn't newsworthy enough to post that their was rampant staph infections before she was there. But all of a sudden sense someone famous has to be treated the way the rest of the world does, then its news. And its not like shes even going to be in gen pop as the story itself says at the end. This whole situation shows no respect to the millions of people who have been jailed as common criminals, which Paris undoubtedly is now.

10 inconvenient truths about file sharing?

truths

check it out

and a few points

Is it about file sharing or pirating they mention both?

1. About Pirate Bay, maybe the music industry should try the same thing, they might make some money.
5. Aren't there studies that prove the drop in sales has nothing to do with file sharing. So why not spend the money to find new artists instead of pouring money into the fight against filesharing.
6. Of course they facilitate it, they provide the fucking access to the internet. This is the most meaningless statement.
7. Lawrence Lessig, does he not know what hes talking about. Just because there is alot of people disagreeing with you there is no need to call them stupid.
8. Glad to hear this has nothing to do with file sharing whatsoever.
9.Why should they stop, whats the alternative pay $18 for a cd. I don't know about you but I don't have that kind of money to spend on music.
10. Thats because the vast majority are little teenagers who like their music spoon fed to them, but there is a minority that likes to hunt new music and uses file-sharing for such purposes.

idk

another fucked up job i got, didn't even bother starting to work at this one. hopefully i'll find a real job soon.

i see this thing about lohan going back into rehab, and it just pisses me off that celebrities get all the attention when really there are millions of people with addiction problems struggling in the united states.

also i want to see a change in drug laws

Iraq war and how to fight it

I've been reading this book and it has become clear to me that our country is not doing something it should.

We do this whole war on Iraq thats all well and good I personally have no problems with it, but if you do oh well, go protest or something. However through our war we are doing nothing to stop the influx of new recruits. There should be a major PR campaign going on worldwide. The biggest grievance the Muslim people have is that we are big and powerful and we are not them. When I say not them I also mean that we have freedom of religion, and are not Muslim. This might sound pretty fucking stupid, but somehow getting across the image that they could be powerful to if they went to work at it instead of some of their best minds joining the jihad against us, they might not be so willing to try and destroy us. Or something along those lines. I highly doubt that alone would work, but it might be able to help stem the support from all the Muslim peoples throughout the Middle East.

existential depression

I just read this article and it basically defined what I have felt my entire life, only now its so much more. Death, freedom, isolation, meaninglessness. We all die, in order to survive we must give up certain freedoms, we can never really grow close to someone. And if you add all these things together there is really no point. Only add to it my past and you get something greater. In my opinion most of the things I've done in the past have been bad things. Now sometimes I don't see how I'll ever be able to overcome my past and create something better. Most times I am able of deluding myself into thinking I can be so much more, but at times I just don't see the point. Also each day I spend alone at the house with nothing changing just slowly wears away and self confidence I might have had.

been awhile

its been awhile since my last post. got checked into treatment again. got out again. had a job interview I am waiting to hear back on, hopefully it won't take to long, and then I received a letter from my lawyer today telling me my court date has been set for a month and a half from now. however having been unable to get ahold of said lawyer I really have no idea whats in store for myself at the court date.

if only it were so easy

I don't know what the hell I am going to do. I DON'T KNOW. Some days I feel as if nothing in the world can stop me. But nothing lines up in the end, there are all these things I could possibly do and yet I can not pick a single thing. All these opportunities and I don't know where to go. I have always been nothing and feel as if that I will always be. The rest of the time I know there is nothing I can do. I see all these things I want and know they will always be outside my grasp. "Is it to late has the damage all been done, Is it to late to reverse what we've become" and the answer is always yes. I can no longer remember what it is to be happy. All there is is irritability, impatience, sadness, and an endless waiting for something better.

what to write

I have been facing some problems of late. One of the most frustrating things currently is what do you write to people in jail. I have several friends currently doing time, luckily I'm probably going to be getting probation. But most of the time I have no idea what to write them. I normally print some pictures for em off the web and write a brief note of what I've been doing, which lately really ain't much going on. Any ideas would be nice

time for something new

i don't really know where to go with this at this point in time, but its time for something completely new, well maybe not completely but we shall see how this works out from now on.

ready fuels

"Running down the ready fuels it's finally over, just get over
Time will tell if all turns out ok
Help me to realize my dream is dying redefine despair
I turned away
So look the other way tonight"

desperate i will crawl

I just found out a way to talk to an old friend of mine. Our lives went different paths tracing back to one night. I knew hell lay down that path but what could I say to them to make them choose the right one? Absolutely nothing. And so now all is said and done and she needs help.
I wish I could take away the pain of all my friends and take it as my own. There is no way for this to happen but I can still dream. Instead I have to try and be there for them when they need help. It gives my life meaning.

'this time imperfect'

I have failed many a time. I always wanted to get things right though, however intentions really don't count for much in life. Now I have come to the point where I have used up all my chances at failure and this time success is the only viable option. So no matter what it takes I've decided I want this. I have so far been asked to do several things I did not want to do but ah well, apparently that is the way life is supposed to go.

what have i become

Do you ever feel like you're the only person in the world? I can go and forget any contact I've had with people during the day and go and feel totally alone for some reason. It takes alot to get me out of that mood, sometimes I get stuck in it for days. Today is one of those days. I get the feeling somedays I'm going crazy. I guess its due to the fact that I don't know what this is. It is a stranger to me. I was used to being surrounded by people day and night and now I'm lucky if I see one friend a week. I don't know what I am becoming but I don't like it, my counselor says the adhd treatment should help with my obsessive worries, and some days it does but some days it doesn't. This is one of those days. If anyone that reads this can relate leave a comment or something, its nice to know I'm not alone. Or maybe I am and no one else goes through anything like this.


"Die for anyone, WHAT HAVE I BECOME?"

duality

"Pull me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the pieces
Then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality
Is better than the dream
But I've found out the hard way
NOTHING IS WHAT IT SEEMS!
I push my fingers into my...EYES!
It's the only thing
That slowly stops the ache
Jesus it never ends
It pushed its' way inside
If the pain goes onI'm not gonna make it!"

a different world

There is another reality and some of us, including myself, have had a hard time seeing it. We believed drugs were the only way life could have meaning, and that the buying and selling of which would be the only way we could get by in the world. I had a hard time seeing it any other way, about three years ago I actually wrote an essay entitled "A statement of live" and it was about the pointlessness of life, and how everyone existed to continue their existence. Now I see that outside those confines the possibilities for life are whatever you make of it. There is always time for you to do the things that make your life worth living.

he would never know that they were claiming regret as their own

I'm mostly confused these days. I don't yet know what I am going to do with my life. I don't quite know what it is I'm feeling most of the time either. That is probably due to my years of numbness I created for myself. I do know I feel alot of sorrow. Most of which I think is due to the fact that I haven't quite accepted that I will never do drugs again. I was somewhat good at my job so it is kind of depressing to know I have to find a new avenue in which to make money. Or maybe its sorrow for those that will never get another chance at life before its too late. Or for my lost friends I don't know. I do know that I don't want to give up what I now have. I just want to make it better and quickly which is not how it works. It takes time. But as long as I don't use it can't get any worse, it can only get better.

With you around me I don't feel that its over

Four years ago I tried to kill myself. I saw what my future held and I didn't like what I saw. I was already addicted to meth/cocaine at that point in time and I didn't see myself getting any better. I saw what I would be and eventually became that person. Someone who couldn't live without the drugs. I saw it coming and did nothing to change but a feeble attempt to end it all. I couldn't see how I could change. Although I have changed in a way, I still have a hard time seeing myself going on without the drugs and the lifestyle, it was everything to me. It was everything I was. I have decided to do something that is really easy to say and really hard to do. I just need to move on.

reeling from the nights...

Reeling form nights that kiss and control all of our broken hearts.

Now I know why I used to spend all of my time reading, and why drugs are so attractive to my personality.
People will let you down if you put all of you hope into them. They are only human, they are not there to do what you want of them. Everyone has their own needs and demands upon their lives. I realize now that I hve never been able to cope with the fact that people are not as involved in each others lifes as I expect them to be in mine. I constantly put my faith in the idea that they will be able to save me from what I am enduring. I can't stand the thought that they can live their lives without me and yet I cannot seem to exist without them.

I miss you all and am sorry.

there is nothing left

Why do I have nothing to show for the past 4 years of my life. I hafve done almost nothing worthwhile in all this itme. Anything I bought was clucked off for dope. I have nothing but a few friendships I have made in the past few years and yet I am always alone. I am working on this whole self reliance thing but it comes hard to me. My personality constantly seeks contact. I can't stand the presence of my past. I wish I had something physical to show besides all of my scars. any comments welcome

your tears don't fall

All these years I wanted something to change. I wanted to be happy and thought that the world would have to change for this to be so. I spent years denying some things that now I believe to be true has caused me some relief. I realized I had to change myself before happiness would ever come to me. Over the years I believed I was damned to hell, that I was the scum of the earth due to the things I had done to others and to myself. I guess I was. I am afraid my past will consume me but while I sat in jail I decided that I wanted to change.

'why must this tear my head inside out'

I want to remember everything. The past years of my life are nothing more than a blur inside my head. Especially the past 4 years. I have glimpses and it is never enough. I have lost all this time and will probably never be able to remember exactly what all happened during this time. I do remember who has done me right and who has done me or others wrong. I remember a few incidents but thats it. I don't want to forget anymore. I just want to feel normal again, if I ever did before.

decisions decisions

So many decisions are needing to be made. Why stay clean? My family, my true friends, my future. Those are my reasons to quit drugs, in fact, they are the reasons I live these days. I love my family and have put them through hell. I've gone through hell with most of my true friends, and the future of change is unlimited. Now all my worries drive me up a wall, then one of my friends, just talking to one, brings me down. It tells me there are others out there that care. Get through theses problems self, and they will help, and they are whats worth doing it for.

always...

I feel alone without constant contact from my friends. I have no idea why, just the way i'm wired I guess. According to some psychiatrists I've seen its a side effect of my ADD. I hope it is so. I want nothing more to be able to sit down and not be concerned about all my friends. Thats all I feel all day long. Sometimes its most unbearable because I know that they don't feel the same way I do. They like to hear from me but its not as if their lives depended on hearing from me. And that is the way I feel. My life won't be complete unless I know everyone is out there and doing ok.

dealing time

I never wanted to be a drug dealer. However it was only the natural progression of things. Look at the math: If you get a teener for 80 and that is 8 times as large as a dub sack why not go for it. Why waste your money getting nickel and dimed to death. Buy big and if you're friends want some hook em up with a good price. Then you start selling to new people your friends bring by and instead of buying a teener you're buying a ball. Then one of your friends wants a teener to start the same process and the next thing you know you're buying half ounces. All along the way you start doing more because you have more to do. Then it all comes crashing down. You do more than you sell, or you have bills that come along and suck up your capital so then you're back down to 8-balls. Than eventually more bills come along and you're just picking up dope with other peoples money just for them. You might stay there, you might hit a lick and come up big, but you will always be brought back down. If nothing else the law catches on to you. Requiem For A Dream Style

I never thought it would end like this

I never thought I'd go to jail. In my four years of doing drugs I had only one close call and that was just being pulled over for a traffic ticket. There was no option I realize now. It was only a matter of time. I was out on the streets 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If it was 4am, that would be the time you expected me to call or show up. In all these travels I always had something on me. Be it coke, meth, x, or whatever. There is no way I could continue to exist in such a way.
I was lucky in that I got caught with only a small amount. Now I face a felony and am starting over.

Any comments welcome

when i say, when?

it will all be ok someday, just wait for it and keep doing your best and eventually it will come around to, or at least that is what i believe these days.

third eye blind

I need to lower my expectations of my friends, they may be everything to me but I am not everything to them. Them not calling me is not a fault they are busy. But I am filled with a constant need to be understood. That is why I seek my friends more than my family. They have been there they know what I am, where I've been, and what I want to become.


Just got a copy of Third Eye Blinds first cd, it is excellent. A real druggie album if ya know what I mean. Semi-Charmed Life.

hitting bottom

WE must all hit bottom before we can reach our peak. We must know how low we can go before we can discover just how high we can reach. The future will be yours for the taking. The bottom is not a place you can choose to exist at. There is only a rise after every fall. It is the way of the world. The more falls the higher you will be able to reach.

I have rediscovered the joy of AFI- Decemberunderground it brings joy to my eyes and makes the world seem that everything will be alright, that everyone goes through this and it will be alright afterwards