a different world

There is another reality and some of us, including myself, have had a hard time seeing it. We believed drugs were the only way life could have meaning, and that the buying and selling of which would be the only way we could get by in the world. I had a hard time seeing it any other way, about three years ago I actually wrote an essay entitled "A statement of live" and it was about the pointlessness of life, and how everyone existed to continue their existence. Now I see that outside those confines the possibilities for life are whatever you make of it. There is always time for you to do the things that make your life worth living.

he would never know that they were claiming regret as their own

I'm mostly confused these days. I don't yet know what I am going to do with my life. I don't quite know what it is I'm feeling most of the time either. That is probably due to my years of numbness I created for myself. I do know I feel alot of sorrow. Most of which I think is due to the fact that I haven't quite accepted that I will never do drugs again. I was somewhat good at my job so it is kind of depressing to know I have to find a new avenue in which to make money. Or maybe its sorrow for those that will never get another chance at life before its too late. Or for my lost friends I don't know. I do know that I don't want to give up what I now have. I just want to make it better and quickly which is not how it works. It takes time. But as long as I don't use it can't get any worse, it can only get better.

With you around me I don't feel that its over

Four years ago I tried to kill myself. I saw what my future held and I didn't like what I saw. I was already addicted to meth/cocaine at that point in time and I didn't see myself getting any better. I saw what I would be and eventually became that person. Someone who couldn't live without the drugs. I saw it coming and did nothing to change but a feeble attempt to end it all. I couldn't see how I could change. Although I have changed in a way, I still have a hard time seeing myself going on without the drugs and the lifestyle, it was everything to me. It was everything I was. I have decided to do something that is really easy to say and really hard to do. I just need to move on.

reeling from the nights...

Reeling form nights that kiss and control all of our broken hearts.

Now I know why I used to spend all of my time reading, and why drugs are so attractive to my personality.
People will let you down if you put all of you hope into them. They are only human, they are not there to do what you want of them. Everyone has their own needs and demands upon their lives. I realize now that I hve never been able to cope with the fact that people are not as involved in each others lifes as I expect them to be in mine. I constantly put my faith in the idea that they will be able to save me from what I am enduring. I can't stand the thought that they can live their lives without me and yet I cannot seem to exist without them.

I miss you all and am sorry.

there is nothing left

Why do I have nothing to show for the past 4 years of my life. I hafve done almost nothing worthwhile in all this itme. Anything I bought was clucked off for dope. I have nothing but a few friendships I have made in the past few years and yet I am always alone. I am working on this whole self reliance thing but it comes hard to me. My personality constantly seeks contact. I can't stand the presence of my past. I wish I had something physical to show besides all of my scars. any comments welcome

your tears don't fall

All these years I wanted something to change. I wanted to be happy and thought that the world would have to change for this to be so. I spent years denying some things that now I believe to be true has caused me some relief. I realized I had to change myself before happiness would ever come to me. Over the years I believed I was damned to hell, that I was the scum of the earth due to the things I had done to others and to myself. I guess I was. I am afraid my past will consume me but while I sat in jail I decided that I wanted to change.

'why must this tear my head inside out'

I want to remember everything. The past years of my life are nothing more than a blur inside my head. Especially the past 4 years. I have glimpses and it is never enough. I have lost all this time and will probably never be able to remember exactly what all happened during this time. I do remember who has done me right and who has done me or others wrong. I remember a few incidents but thats it. I don't want to forget anymore. I just want to feel normal again, if I ever did before.

decisions decisions

So many decisions are needing to be made. Why stay clean? My family, my true friends, my future. Those are my reasons to quit drugs, in fact, they are the reasons I live these days. I love my family and have put them through hell. I've gone through hell with most of my true friends, and the future of change is unlimited. Now all my worries drive me up a wall, then one of my friends, just talking to one, brings me down. It tells me there are others out there that care. Get through theses problems self, and they will help, and they are whats worth doing it for.

always...

I feel alone without constant contact from my friends. I have no idea why, just the way i'm wired I guess. According to some psychiatrists I've seen its a side effect of my ADD. I hope it is so. I want nothing more to be able to sit down and not be concerned about all my friends. Thats all I feel all day long. Sometimes its most unbearable because I know that they don't feel the same way I do. They like to hear from me but its not as if their lives depended on hearing from me. And that is the way I feel. My life won't be complete unless I know everyone is out there and doing ok.

dealing time

I never wanted to be a drug dealer. However it was only the natural progression of things. Look at the math: If you get a teener for 80 and that is 8 times as large as a dub sack why not go for it. Why waste your money getting nickel and dimed to death. Buy big and if you're friends want some hook em up with a good price. Then you start selling to new people your friends bring by and instead of buying a teener you're buying a ball. Then one of your friends wants a teener to start the same process and the next thing you know you're buying half ounces. All along the way you start doing more because you have more to do. Then it all comes crashing down. You do more than you sell, or you have bills that come along and suck up your capital so then you're back down to 8-balls. Than eventually more bills come along and you're just picking up dope with other peoples money just for them. You might stay there, you might hit a lick and come up big, but you will always be brought back down. If nothing else the law catches on to you. Requiem For A Dream Style

I never thought it would end like this

I never thought I'd go to jail. In my four years of doing drugs I had only one close call and that was just being pulled over for a traffic ticket. There was no option I realize now. It was only a matter of time. I was out on the streets 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If it was 4am, that would be the time you expected me to call or show up. In all these travels I always had something on me. Be it coke, meth, x, or whatever. There is no way I could continue to exist in such a way.
I was lucky in that I got caught with only a small amount. Now I face a felony and am starting over.

Any comments welcome

when i say, when?

it will all be ok someday, just wait for it and keep doing your best and eventually it will come around to, or at least that is what i believe these days.

third eye blind

I need to lower my expectations of my friends, they may be everything to me but I am not everything to them. Them not calling me is not a fault they are busy. But I am filled with a constant need to be understood. That is why I seek my friends more than my family. They have been there they know what I am, where I've been, and what I want to become.


Just got a copy of Third Eye Blinds first cd, it is excellent. A real druggie album if ya know what I mean. Semi-Charmed Life.

hitting bottom

WE must all hit bottom before we can reach our peak. We must know how low we can go before we can discover just how high we can reach. The future will be yours for the taking. The bottom is not a place you can choose to exist at. There is only a rise after every fall. It is the way of the world. The more falls the higher you will be able to reach.

I have rediscovered the joy of AFI- Decemberunderground it brings joy to my eyes and makes the world seem that everything will be alright, that everyone goes through this and it will be alright afterwards