decisions decisions

So many decisions are needing to be made. Why stay clean? My family, my true friends, my future. Those are my reasons to quit drugs, in fact, they are the reasons I live these days. I love my family and have put them through hell. I've gone through hell with most of my true friends, and the future of change is unlimited. Now all my worries drive me up a wall, then one of my friends, just talking to one, brings me down. It tells me there are others out there that care. Get through theses problems self, and they will help, and they are whats worth doing it for.

always...

I feel alone without constant contact from my friends. I have no idea why, just the way i'm wired I guess. According to some psychiatrists I've seen its a side effect of my ADD. I hope it is so. I want nothing more to be able to sit down and not be concerned about all my friends. Thats all I feel all day long. Sometimes its most unbearable because I know that they don't feel the same way I do. They like to hear from me but its not as if their lives depended on hearing from me. And that is the way I feel. My life won't be complete unless I know everyone is out there and doing ok.

dealing time

I never wanted to be a drug dealer. However it was only the natural progression of things. Look at the math: If you get a teener for 80 and that is 8 times as large as a dub sack why not go for it. Why waste your money getting nickel and dimed to death. Buy big and if you're friends want some hook em up with a good price. Then you start selling to new people your friends bring by and instead of buying a teener you're buying a ball. Then one of your friends wants a teener to start the same process and the next thing you know you're buying half ounces. All along the way you start doing more because you have more to do. Then it all comes crashing down. You do more than you sell, or you have bills that come along and suck up your capital so then you're back down to 8-balls. Than eventually more bills come along and you're just picking up dope with other peoples money just for them. You might stay there, you might hit a lick and come up big, but you will always be brought back down. If nothing else the law catches on to you. Requiem For A Dream Style

I never thought it would end like this

I never thought I'd go to jail. In my four years of doing drugs I had only one close call and that was just being pulled over for a traffic ticket. There was no option I realize now. It was only a matter of time. I was out on the streets 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If it was 4am, that would be the time you expected me to call or show up. In all these travels I always had something on me. Be it coke, meth, x, or whatever. There is no way I could continue to exist in such a way.
I was lucky in that I got caught with only a small amount. Now I face a felony and am starting over.

Any comments welcome

when i say, when?

it will all be ok someday, just wait for it and keep doing your best and eventually it will come around to, or at least that is what i believe these days.

third eye blind

I need to lower my expectations of my friends, they may be everything to me but I am not everything to them. Them not calling me is not a fault they are busy. But I am filled with a constant need to be understood. That is why I seek my friends more than my family. They have been there they know what I am, where I've been, and what I want to become.


Just got a copy of Third Eye Blinds first cd, it is excellent. A real druggie album if ya know what I mean. Semi-Charmed Life.

hitting bottom

WE must all hit bottom before we can reach our peak. We must know how low we can go before we can discover just how high we can reach. The future will be yours for the taking. The bottom is not a place you can choose to exist at. There is only a rise after every fall. It is the way of the world. The more falls the higher you will be able to reach.

I have rediscovered the joy of AFI- Decemberunderground it brings joy to my eyes and makes the world seem that everything will be alright, that everyone goes through this and it will be alright afterwards